Learning to give and receive pleasure is an essential part of a loving, sexual relationship – and sensate focus training is often prescribed for those who do not feel their level of sexual pleasure is sufficient. Luckily, this is one lesson that is easy to remember.
Pleasuring each other, also known as sensate focus, encourages partners to concentrate on the feelings – both physical and emotional – that are produced when each gently caresses the other’s body. It is widely used by many sex therapists as a method of combating a person’s inability to respond sexually.
If you have sexual problems due to lack of desire, this is an excellent series of exercises. They are particularly beneficial when conducted under the guidance of an experienced therapist. Couples who are experiencing sexual difficulties, however, are not the only ones who can benefit; everyone can. These exercises are good fun and most couples will enjoy them, whether or not they have a problem. The chances are, in fact, that learning to pleasure each other will put some new oomph into even the most wonderful sex lives. It can have a surprising effect, turning mediocre sex into good sex and making great sex even better.
What to do
Giving someone pleasure by caressing his or her body need not be overtly sexual. It is important, in any case, that you do not have intercourse for the duration of the period for which you are doing these exercises. This may be for several weeks, but the wait should do you both good. There is nothing like practising your ability to give and to receive pleasure for spicing things up between you. Anticipation is, in itself, a powerful aphrodisiac.
Stage one
Practise this three times a week for at least two weeks. During this stage, you should not have any genital contact. That way there will be absolutely no pressure. You are not being asked to perform, only to experience. You cannot fail because you are not being asked to succeed.
Both partners should be naked. You should both feel as relaxed as possible – taking a bath together beforehand may help. Do not hurry, leave plenty of time free and make sure that you cannot be interrupted. Take the phone off the hook, and remember to put the cat out or it may decide to join in! Make sure, also, that you are both warm and comfortable.
Take it in turns to be the active or the passive partner. Alternate your roles so that the person who was the first to give pleasure during this session becomes the first to receive it at the next. The active partner should lubricate his or her hands with body lotion or oil. If either of you feels tense or unhappy with the situation, you should ask your partner to stop for a while and only resume when you feel relaxed again. If either of you feels particularly aroused and wants more, it may be frustrating, but you should nevertheless avoid having sex at this stage. In cases of extreme frustration, you can always bring yourself to orgasm by masturbating.
- To begin with, your partner should lie face downward. You can either kneel beside or sit astride him – whichever is more comfortable. Gently stroke and massage his entire body, working slowly from head to toe. You can do anything, using your hands, that you feel like doing to him. If you do anything that he doesn’t like, he can show you this by gently pushing your hand away. Continue the massage for at least ten minutes.
- Change places. It’s now your turn to relax and enjoy the feelings evoked by your partner’s caresses. Allow yourself to let go as much as possible and to feel each touch from your partner as fully as you can. Continue for at least ten minutes.
- Change places and position, so that your partner is lying on his back while you massage his body and face. Do not touch his genitals. Do this for at least ten minutes.
- Change places again so that you are lying on your back while your partner strokes your face and body. He should not touch your breasts or your genitals. Continue for at least ten minutes.
Stage two
Having practised stage one for a minimum of two weeks, you can now progress on to stage two. Practise this stage three times a week for at least two weeks.
The emphasis at this stage is on receiving, rather than giving, pleasure. The passive partner should give his or her partner positive feedback on what he or she finds particularly pleasurable. There is still a ban on intercourse and on genital touching.
- Your partner should lie, face down, while you pleasure him, in the same way as before, in stage one. But this time he should let you know what he particularly enjoys and what feels best for him. He can do this either by telling you or by guiding your hand. He should let you know not only where he likes to be touched but also how firm or gentle he prefers that touch to be. You may also kiss him wherever you wish (apart from his genitals) and he should let you know what he finds most pleasurable. Continue for at least ten minutes.
- Change places and lie on your front while your partner pleasures you. You should let your partner know what feels especially good for you. Concentrate hard on what you are fee1ing and make sure that you transmit those feelings to your partner. Once again, continue for at least ten minutes.
- Change places and position so that your partner is now lying on his back while you pleasure his body and face. He should be letting you know what he most enjoys, telling you exactly how each touch feels, in detail. Do not touch his genitals. Continue for at least ten minutes.
- Change places again so that you are lying on your back while your partner pleasures you. Let him know where you want to be touched and what kind of touch you most enjoy. Continue this for at least ten minutes.
- Now, having reached the end of this session, talk to each other about what you both liked the most.
Stage three
If you feel happy with stages one and two after practising for two weeks, you are ready to move on to stage three. This involves taking it in turns to arouse each other by touching the genitals. Once again, you should not have intercourse. You should not bring each other to orgasm. If your partner becomes too aroused and orgasm seems imminent, change your caresses to another part of their body. In this way, you can bring your partner to the brink of orgasm several times in one session. If, at any point, either of you feels nervous or tense, you should tell each other so that you can pause for a moment and turn your attention to another part of the body. Only return to this same area when you are both feeling relaxed again.
- Lie on your back so your partner can stroke your entire body, including your breasts and nipples. He should stroke your abdomen and the insides of your thighs.
- He should now turn his attention to your genital area. He can start by running his fingers through your pubic hair, and then concentrate on your vaginal entrance, stroking it lightly at first and then harder. He should also stroke your perineum (between vagina and anus).
- At this point, he should begin to concentrate on your clitoris, probably a woman’s most sensitive area, the very centre of her sexuality. Using a suitable lubricant will help with gentle stimulation of the clitoris.
- Change places, so that now your partner is lying on his back. Gently, using the lightest touch, you can stroke his chest, nipples, abdomen and the insides of his thighs. Run your fingers through his pubic hair.
- Now turn your attention to his testicles, stroking them lightly and squeezing them gently.
- Now it’s time to begin touching his penis – centre of a man’s sexuality. Run your fingers up and down its length, exploring it gently to find out which are the most sensitive areas. In virtually all men these areas are the head and the frenulum – the ridge that runs along the underside. Stimulate his penis until he has gained a really firm erection. Then remove your hands and let his erection subside. It is bound to return when you stimulate him again.
- Change places and guide your partner’s fingers as he stimulates your clitoris. Let him know exactly what kind of stimulation you enjoy most.
- Change places again and allow your partner to guide your hand as you stimulate his penis. He should show you exactly how he likes to be stimulated in terms of both pressure and rhythm. The clearer he can make his wishes known to you, the easier it is for you both.
Pleasuring is a sexual technique which enables partners to return to the long-lost sexual plateau of heavy petting and sexual courting. It’s easy to become lazy when you have a long-term sexual partner. It’s also easy to forget to .continue communicating with each other, and this lack of communication has the unpleasant habit of emerging only when there is a problem. Pleasuring gives you the chance to reinvent your sex life.