‘Since I gave birth to our two year old child, I have not been able to achieve even one orgasm during sex. I used to have multiple orgasms nearly every time I had sex with my husband. Now only vibrators work. I feel like a failure and it has almost completely put me off sex. What is wrong with me?’
The Lovers’ Guide responds:
This can be quite an issue for many women after childbirth. You are not alone. The comments below are given without knowing much about your case and only as general advice – it is your choice to follow any of it or not, and we always recommend that you see a qualified professional.
Some women – particularly after a prolonged labour – can overly stretch their pelvic floor muscles. This can mean that she feels less friction, and sometimes less G-spot stimulation, during intercourse. The vagina should shrink back to its original size within a few months, though doing special pelvic floor (Kegel muscle) exercises can help speed the process. In traumatic deliveries, damage may occur to the pudendal nerve; it is this which conveys the sensation to the opening of the vagina and the all-important clitoris. That you can get satisfaction from a vibrator suggests that this may not be the case for you, but it is still worth getting it checked, if only to rule it out.
There can also be a further physical cause in that certain women have significantly lower testosterone levels (yes, it’s the same hormone in women that gives them their sex drive as in men) resulting in lower libido levels after pregnancy. If that is the case, testosterone can be prescribed.
There can be also be psychological responses to the birth causing lowered levels of libido: some women go off sex because they view their bodies as having become much more a procreation device and then life-support machine for the baby than one that is there also fully to enjoy sexual pleasure. After all, life has profoundly changed with the birth of a child. It can take time to see oneself as a sexual being again after the body has been so crucially transformed by motherhood.
Post-natal depression can also have subtler and more long-term effects than have been fully recognised. Even breast-feeding can cause turmoil: some women actually find it strangely arousing – some feel uterine contractions and a few even report having orgasms during breast-feeding – and they are confused by this. Nature has made breast-feeding pleasurable to encourage women to do it, but it can make women feel that their breasts are now there to suckle their child and resist the idea of their partner still seeing them as erotic. Other women, though, see the increased size, sensitivity and milk-producing capability of their post-natal breasts as all the more sexual.
The best thing would be to get a referral from your GP to a good gynaecologist to have a thorough physiological check up. Your testosterone levels could be checked. If they are low – or it was felt that you could do with a temporary boost to your libido – a therapist may put you on low-dose testosterone cream and/or sildenafil (Viagra – yes, it can work for women, too). You may also wish to go to a relationship therapist – best if your partner is happy to go, too – and explore ways that you could enhance your relationship. It’s amazing how effective it can be just to set aside a child-free date-night once a week- (if you can get a babysitter – with you and your partner for quality, one-on-one time together to rekindle the romance you had before the birth of your child.
So, lots of things to think about and, whether medical intervention, therapy or relationship counselling works best for you, the main thing is not to blame yourself but to have a very positive outlook and take this on as a major project that is almost certain to restore your sex life to as good – or better – than it was before and strengthen your relationship with your husband.