A lot of men feel unhappy or frustrated because they consider themselves unsuccessful with women. The sense of failure is made worse by the fact that some men seem to have no difficulty at all in attracting any number of willing partners. But the most apparently successful men are not necessarily those who especially like women or have the best sex life. Their main pleasure is usually not derived from a caring and sharing sensuality, but from making sex into a competitive sport. Pleasure for these men is in the chase – or in being able to flaunt a beautiful new partner in public. It melts away once they’ve achieved their objective, so that they develop no real commitment to or concern for their partner, and can move smoothly onto the next. To the onlooker, such easy promiscuity may seem enviable, but it’s not a particularly satisfying way of life.
True sexual success depends on such things as self-esteem, assertiveness, the ability to relax, and a genuine liking and concern for women. The following advice will help you move in that direction. Remember that no matter how average or undistinguished you consider yourself to be, some women will have a preference for you, the individual you, the kind of person you are. And if you’re aware of this, you won’t think you have to do all the pursuing.
What to do on a first date – Quick fire tips
It’s usually best not to make the first date with a new partner too ‘heavy’. You may both be more comfortable if it’s casual and informal – lunch or coffee during the day, for example – so you can get to know each other without either of you wondering what will happen after. Don’t expect to be asked inside if you meet at her place – and be on time! Don’t be stingy, but don’t spend too rashly either. Never fuss about the price when you’re paying for a meal. If she offers to buy you a drink or to pay her way, accept. It will make the relationship more equal and let her know that she has a choice about what you do. If you think she’s offering out of politeness, don’t accept immediately. If she really wants to pay, she will insist, and then you should let her.
Spend time and energy, as well as money, planning where to go and what to do. Try to picture the kind of things she might enjoy. Offer to cook for her, for example, and set the scene with soft lights, good music, and comfortable and tidy surroundings. Find out what music she likes and get some suitable CDs or downloads. Or watch a good film on TV together. If you go to a restaurant, choose one with atmosphere. But don’t suggest anything that might make her feel uneasy on a first date. She might get worried, for example, if a picnic takes you to some very remote or deserted spot. Be flexible about meetings – if a last minute change of plan is unavoidable, or if she wants to cancel the date, be flexible about it. And never, when you’re with her, show too much interest in other women you meet or see.
The importance of timing
Assuming you continue meeting after the first date, the question will arise sooner or later of whether you’re going to enter into a sexual relationship. The early stages of such a relationship are a game in which each of you makes moves to which the other responds, ideally with the situation developing at a pace which suits you both. A sense of timing is crucial, so that you can judge the right moment to accelerate the pace or draw back a little and consolidate the position you hold.
If your timing is wrong, it’s probably because you have tried to act independently, either ignoring or misreading the signals your partner sends, which tell you she’s ready for the next move. Move too slowly and she’s likely to become irritated or lose interest. Move too fast and you may put her under too much pressure. This may force her into a situation where she rejects you, or backs away, because she’s not ready to go further and feels that this course is the only one you’ve left open to her.
Often, what you take to be a personal rejection by someone you’ve tried to date may simply be a matter or bad or unlucky timing. You may have chosen a time when she was involved with someone else, or caught her in the aftermath of a relationship when she needed to be free from involvement for a while to recover her emotional equilibrium. If you think there is a chance that this may be so, then don’t be too discouraged. Keep your options open by maintaining casual contact with her – and try your luck again later. If you get the same message a second time, accept defeat and move on.
Judging her response
Provided that your timing has been fortunate, and that you’re sending out the right signals through body language, you should be able to read your partner’s responses and judge when she’s ready for you to step up the pace. Raised eyebrows, eyes wide open and dilated pupils all indicate an encouraging response. If you find you’re looking into each other’s eyes for longer and longer periods, this is also a definite ‘come-on’ signal. Be appreciative if she stands close to you, or at least doesn’t move away when you draw close. You’re getting a favourable response, too, if she nods her head in enthusiastic agreement with what you’re saying, or occasionally touches you to emphasise a point she’s making.
Don’t take too much for granted
If your sexual advances are often rebuffed, it may be you’re assuming sex is your right, thereby reducing your partner’s freedom of choice, so that rejection is likely, even inevitable. Try this advice to help you reassess your situation and improve your success with prospective sexual partners:
- Don’t look on every woman as a sex object or prize as soon as you meet her. The man who says, ‘Your place or mine?’ as soon as he’s been introduced may win a few but he’ll lose a lot more.
- Don’t assume that social responsiveness is the same as sexual encouragement. A woman being polite, or even friendly, doesn’t necessarily mean that she wants to go to bed with you – at least, not yet. Look for definite signs of sexual interest before making a move.
- Don’t expect every encounter, every date, to lead to sex. Keep your first dates casual so you can get to know each other first.
- Don’t be too familiar too soon. Show admiration in the way you look at her and interest in what she says and does. But unless you are very sure of your ground, don’t use verbal endearments or physical caresses at first meeting.
Sexual good manners
When it becomes clear that a relationship is on the cards, remember that sensitivity plays as important a part in a new sexual encounter as it does at the beginning of any other relationship. Try these tips and you should avoid the worst breaches of sexual etiquette and safeguard your developing relationship:
- Carry a pack of condoms with you so that if you find your partner is unprotected you can allay any fears of pregnancy – or STIs.
- Make sure the sheets are clean if the venue is your place. Reassure your partner if she has her period that this needn’t prohibit sex as far as you’re concerned, but don’t press her if she’d rather wait. If she wants sex, provide a clean towel for her to lie on.
- Suggest a bath, shower or massage together first, especially if one of you is tensed or nervous.
- Ask her how and where she likes to be touched and find out exactly what she wants to do. She may prefer to be the sexually active partner – or just to cuddle and sleep beside you the first time, rather than have sex.
- Do not in any circumstances resort to sexual blackmail by saying you love her, if you don’t, or by making her feel that just because you’re aroused she has an obligation to do something about it.
- Don’t try so-called aphrodisiacs. They don’t work and some are even dangerous. The most potent aphrodisiac of all is to be made to feel truly desirable. So tell your partner how much you admire and desire her – and never criticise any imperfection in her looks or figure.
Your first sexual experience
Even if you are sexually experienced you may have problems at first with a new partner. You will be anxious to make a good impression, and may be so tense or nervous that you can’t get an erection, no matter how much you want her. If you do get an erection you may lose it, or climax too soon through over-excitement. The situation may be very similar if this is your first sexual experience, except that in this case your problems will probably be compounded by the fact that your partner is equally inexperienced and nervous. Whatever happens, don’t feel that you’ve failed if it’s not quite as you hoped it would be. And don’t take it too seriously! The situation will improve as you gain confidence.
If you’re about to have sex for the first time, these suggestions will help you make your sexual initiation more enjoyable:
- Never contemplate sex with a woman if you don’t find her attractive.
- Make sure you have time, comfort and privacy. Five minutes in the back of a car with an ever-present threat of discovery may rid you of your virginity, but won’t give you a true idea of how good sex can be.
- Don’t be in too much of a hurry, especially if your partner is also sexually inexperienced. Make sure she’s fully aroused, by caressing and stimulating her for at least ten minutes before you enter her. When she is fully aroused, her natural vaginal lubrication will make penetration easier. If she’s tense because this is her first time too, it will probably be more comfortable for both of you if you use saliva or a lubricant as well.
- Choose a man-on-top position and put a pillow beneath your partner’s hips so that it’s easier to enter her. Spread her vaginal lips gently with your fingers and guide your penis between them.
- Push gently but firmly. You may need to apply some pressure if she is a virgin, but don’t thrust hard. The hymen forms no real barrier since it is a very thin membrane that only partially covers the vaginal entrance. There will be very little pain and virtually no loss of blood when it is broken.
- Now begin to thrust lightly (but not deeply if it is her first time). Neither of you should feel let down if she does not reach orgasm: few women do the first few times they have sex. For most women, being able to experience orgasm through intercourse is something that has to be learned and is not automatic as it is for men.
Beyond this… Let the Lovers’ Guide site be your guide!