When you and your partner have an argument, do you end up frustrated and angry? Do they last all day and never seem to be resolved? Do you feel as if you’re always giving in against your will? If so, it’s time to make all those arguments more constructive.
No two people are likely to agree about absolutely everything, whether it is personal habits or politics. If they have a healthy, lively relationship, those differences are eventually going to show – if they do not, someone is probably repressing their feelings, wishes or opinions. And no-one can live a fulfilling and happy emotional life if they deny their feelings or refuse to recognize them.
Anger, frustration, irritation – these are the emotions which should be got out of your system, not bottled up until you explode. In a good relationship they can be declared, discussed and – hopefully – resolved.
Reading the signs
The key to creative arguing is trust. If you do not trust your partner, how can you be honest with him or her? In a bad relationship, rows will only show up as weaknesses. If your arguments leave the two of you as wide apart as you were before, not only are they doing you no good but they will probably drive you further away from each other.
So how do you tell whether your constant arguments are healthy, or warning signs that you should not be together? Look at the pattern. Does one person always win? Does one person always end up feeling hostile and angry? Do you ever resolve your disagreements?
What do you argue about?
One of the most common causes of arguments between couples is money.
This could be partly because not having enough money can be so dispiriting in itself. But it can easily lead to other problems – disagreements as to how it should be spent or irritation because you want to go out and cannot afford to. You have more time to brood and analyze your relationship, because you spend so much time together at home. In effect, it is a vicious circle. If you have enough money, you might argue about what to spend it on, who has a right to it, whether or not you should invest it. And if anything else in your partnership is going wrong, money is a very useful scapegoat – you can always argue about that instead of confronting the real issue.
The creative argument:
- The initiator explains clearly, frankly and without doubt what is bothering him or her.
- If you are the ‘arguee’, you will listen, consider and answer carefully.
- Without resorting to blame or attack, the two of you will try to work out why the disagreement has arisen.
- Once you have come to understand the cause of the conflict, you will discuss to what extent it can be resolved.
- Having agreed to some possibility of compromise, each of you will offer a concession and accept one.
- Each will feel sorry that the argument had to happen, ashamed of their own part in it and grateful that strengths as well as weaknesses have been pointed out.
- Each will feel overwhelming relief that the grievances have been aired – and a shared sense of pleasure that the relationship is strong enough to profit by the argument.
Trivialities
Many of the reasons couples give for their arguments seem incredibly trivial. ‘I hate the way he reads newspapers in bed and gets newsprint all over the sheets.’ ‘She won’t ever come to the pub.’ ‘He never puts the milk back in the fridge.’
If you are prepared to work at your relationship, and if you and your partner are committed to each other, your arguments can be creative and positive – whether they are about how long one of you spends in the bathroom each morning or whether one of you fancies the other’s best friend.
Sometimes, though, the disagreements go much deeper. You may be committed to very different politics, or disagree about whether you should go on holiday together or alone. Then ‘argument’ may barely describe how you express those differences. They might show up as heated, very emotional, and possibly very destructive, unnecessary rows.
Bad arguing habits
Let us assume that you do want to make your relationship work, and that there are no fundamental incompatibilities or differences to stop you. In this case, if the arguments you have with your partner are upsetting and destructive, you may both simply be falling into bad ‘habits’.
Are the arguments always prompted by the same person? If so, it is likely that this person is the attacker, and his or her partner the victim. After all, in any working relationship it is unlikely that one partner can be responsible for creating all the mess or having all the irritating habits and that the other’s job is simply to point them out. It is far more likely that one of you has fallen into the habit of accusing and the other of automatically defending.
Common responses
And what of the nagged? There are three common bad habits the chronically nagged partner may fall into. First, denying everything: ‘Of course I don’t do that sort of thing’, or ‘You’re just exaggerating’.
Second, simply agreeing: ‘Yes, dear… no, dear… of course, dear’. By refusing to get drawn into an argument and accepting the accusations, the victim actually denies the possibility of argument. Unfortunately, what they also do in this quest for a quiet life is deny the possibility of communication.
The third response, and perhaps the most common, is the counter-attack. The counter-attacker tries to divert attention from the original cause of the argument by substituting others, usually other faults in the attacker.
Displacement
Many people avoid having to talk about what is really worrying them, yet they desperately need to relieve their tension and unleash their frustration. These people employ the technique of displacement: they hide the real issue and argue about something else.
Sex is a particular minefield because many people find it so difficult to talk about. If you are not enjoying sex, or you are afraid your partner has stopped fancying you, you may be too embarrassed or scared to say so. You will find yourself having more and more arguments about trivial things instead – and that will continue as long as you skirt around the real issue.
How many no-go topics are lurking between you? Every subject you do not talk about, or have a silent agreement not to mention, is another reason why your arguments are destructive. Learn to trust each other – and that means talking about everything.
Strategies for creative arguing
To make sure that an argument is creative, consider the following points:
- Try to be positive
- Think hard: are you convinced that you are right?
- Is this argument really worth having?
- If you are going to start an argument, think carefully about the time and the place
- Don’t be afraid to barter – not with sex – to settle domestic issues amicably
- Keep to the point
- Attack the issue and not the person
- Be honest and say what is really bothering you
- Try to avoid having an argument in public or in front of friends or family
How to end an argument
After you have followed the strategies for creative arguing, how do you stop?
First, you have to recognize the time to stop. Arguments are rarely as well constructed as plays, even though they include scenes. There is no obvious point when the curtain has to come down. Sometimes you find the same points being raised, the same objections chasing their tails. This often happens when a compromise has been reached but when outstanding disagreements remain. Or it could be that you are both exhausted and don’t have the energy to change gear. Look out for the signals and call a halt.
You can do that abruptly by simply announcing that you have had enough and want to go to bed. Or you can suggest a change of scene – go out for a drink, visit a friend, see if you are in time for the cinema. And if one partner holds out a peace-offering, it should be accepted as a truce.