Stuck in a sex rut? Feeling bored with the same-old sex routine? Banish old habits and rekindle the fires of passion. The Lovers’ Guide shows you how…
It’s the Catch 22 of relationships, the argument running something like this: a relationship has more chance of lasting if it’s monogamous, but sex with the same partner for 30 years will inevitably be boring – and boredom, if it doesn’t simply sap the joy from a relationship, may well lead to infidelity, and so threaten the relationship even more.
But why should we assume that sex must eventually get boring without a change of partner? That’s to underestimate the consolidating and strengthening role sex can play in a long-term relationship – and the capacity of a long-term couple to adapt and change.
Change in a sexual relationship is inevitable
While boredom might be avoidable, change is not. The passion and urgency that characterise the first months of a love affair do eventually disappear. For most people, this is more than compensated for by the ease and comfort that come from being with a lover whose body has become familiar and whose sexual rhythms have adapted to and accommodated one’s own. Long-term lovers know each other’s needs and preferences, have discovered what they most enjoy doing together, and accept and trust each other so that anxieties about sexual performance aren’t necessary.
Such benefits are among the reasons many couples still enjoy sex together after years and years – and why for some it seems to get even better. These things are simply not possible in a new relationship, no matter how passionate you are.
Changing attitudes to sex
So why is it that not all established couples experience a strengthening of their sex life together? The first thing to remember is that sexual sensations do change – and our attitude towards them changes. The second, if you want to find the real cause of your boredom, is to look at sex in the wider context of your lives together.
Is there a depressing pall of monotony over everything, or so much bad feeling that you don’t really enjoy anything you do together? If so, it just wouldn’t be realistic to expect sex to be any different. In this case, sexual boredom is only part of a much wider problem. Maybe you need to spend more time together, pay more attention to each other and have more fun together. After all, that was the reason you got together in the first place. Find a new shared interest, go and see a play or film together, even just pass on to your partner a book you’ve liked, and you’ll have points of contact and something interesting to talk about.
The busier your lives, the more important it is not to squander the little time you have together. Try to plan your weekends to include activities you both enjoy. ‘Trade’ activities: a concert for her one week, a film for him the next. Seeing each other as more stimulating and interesting can boost your sexual relationship too.
Try to reward each other more, occasionally doing something nice for your partner, not for any particular reason except to please. It doesn’t have to be on a grand scale: bring home flowers or do the cooking if it’s usually their job and you’ll help induce the feeling that, on the whole, life is pleasanter with a partner than it is without. Sex won’t flourish – it won’t even survive – unless the basic elements of attraction and affection remain.
If your relationship has grown increasingly monotonous, you need to work out what’s wrong between you, with the help of professional counseling if need be, so that you can regenerate some of your feelings for each other. Then you can set about reviving your sex life.
Combating sexual boredom
If you are basically happy with the quality of your life together, then you have all the more reason for examining the causes of sexual tedium. It’s possible you’re bored because sex has become too predictable. If you’ve developed an unvarying routine, or have a very narrow sexual repertoire, then it’s not surprising a sense of ‘sameness’ has set in. Find more varied ways of sexually arousing each other. Use this site to give you suggestions – about new sex positions, new ways of pleasing and arousing each other during foreplay, and new styles of sex-play generally.
However, if you’re bored in spite of the fact that you’ve always been sexually innovative, exploring all manner of sexual possibilities, then you probably have a fantasy notion of what sex should be. If so, it’s time to modify your expectations and accept sexual reality – of which, more below.
Breaking your sex routine
Changing a long-established sexual routine isn’t easy. After year upon year of the missionary position, to suggest it’s time for woman-on-top might seem too revolutionary. You’ll both need, first of all, to accept the idea of change: as long as you both take it for granted that this is the way things are done, you’ll go on doing them that way. Then bring about small or subtle changes into your routine, simply leaving the light on one day, for example, if you usually make love in the dark. Start small and you’ll develop the confidence and frame of mind to be more adventurous.
When you discuss such changes with your partner, be careful not to make it seem as if you’re offering criticism. The rut you’ve got into isn’t exclusively the fault of one or the other of you. You’ve never suggested change; neither has your partner.
Expressing your needs
Your fantasies and daydreams are a good way of finding out about the kinds of sexual activity you’d like to try. So, too, are past sexual experiences you’ve really enjoyed. It’s a good idea to talk to your partner about something in theory before you put it into practice, to give them time to get used to the idea and perhaps overcome any inhibitions. This is especially important if what you suggest is going to seem unconventional.
If you’d like your partner to do something for you, one way of indicating this is to do it, or something similar, for them. This kind of non-verbal communication can be very useful if you find it hard to put your sexual wishes into words. Most important of all, if your partner is very resistant to the idea of change, don’t press it, at least for the moment. Reassure your partner: it’s because you enjoy sex with your partner and value the relationship that you want to keep the former as exciting as you can.
Accepting sexual reality
For some, disillusionment occurs because the qualities they value most in the early stages of a relationship – the passion, excitement and intensity – tend to fade fastest. Unless you’re realistic enough to acknowledge this is bound to happen, and to learn to value what develops in their place, you may come to regard this calmer, less frenzied phase of the relationship as boring. As you age together, you will also need to accept the changes that come with age.
It’s also possible to feel the same sense of dissatisfaction, not because things are not what they used to be, but because reality has failed to meet your expectations. Almost certainly, this is because those expectations are unattainable and your view of sex is a fantasy view. If you continually hanker after sexual ecstasy, you’re bound to find the real pleasures of life somewhat simpler.
Valuing the present
The remedy for long-entrenched boredom isn’t only to seek new levels of excitement in, for example, fresh sexual activities, or erotic books or movies. These tactics can add spice when the relationship’s a little stale, but are best used in moderation. If they’re treated as a last-ditch solution, a fresh process of familiarisation will lead to further disillusionment. Instead, try to feel differently about the way things are right now. It’s your attitude towards the present that will determine the degree of your future sexual happiness. Here are some guidelines to getting the best out of what is available to you right now.
- Examine all the good things about sex with your partner. It may not be as exciting as it once was but at least it’s reliable. You can probably judge each other’s responses well, and you know the kinds of activity you like best. Also, since you’re more relaxed with each other, you can prolong lovemaking much more easily than you could in the excitement of a new relationship.
- When you’re making love, focus strongly on the physical sensations. Pay attention to what really works for both of you. More physical stimulation may be required with age.
- Live in the here and now. Avoid comparisons with past experiences and don’t fantasise about those you’d like to have in the future. (Fantasies can help you explore your sexuality, but don’t get into a ‘grass-is-greener’ scenario, devaluing what you have now.)
- Don’t equate physical affection – spontaneous hugs and kisses – with sex. They help keep your relationship alive, but need not necessarily indicate you’re making or expecting sexual overtures.
- Don’t forget that a two-way process is involved. You will get feedback from the pleasure you give your partner, for the more your partner enjoys sex with you, the more he or she will want to please you.