When a long-term relationship is in the doldrums, a short, exciting fling with an attractive stranger can seem particularly appealing. It might seem just the sexual boost you need to appreciate each other again – but it could also trigger the end between you.
The situation is a familiar one – you go to a party and meet someone you are instantly attracted to. You talk, laugh, dance – at the end of the evening you fall into bed together. Then perhaps you see each other a couple of times more, no strings attached. Shortly afterwards you part and it becomes a wonderful memory.
That kind of thing could happen to anyone and it rarely causes problems – except, that is, if you are already deeply involved with someone else.
Brief encounters, casual affairs, one-night-stands – they happen all the time, but most often to single people who are searching for a partner, or who are between affairs.
Platonic affairs
The fact of being committed to someone, because you are married or in another long-term relationship, does not mean that you become blind to the attractions of other people. We meet people we are attracted to all the time. It can be a powerful sexual attraction or something gentler – meeting a person you really want to spend time with.
Brief encounters do not have to be sexual – you can lunch together, see films together, or just spend hours talking over a drink in the pub. But even in an apparently platonic relationship there is often a sexual undercurrent. If you find yourself reluctant to mention an innocuous incident to your partner, probably, you were sexually attracted to the other person at some level.
The right moment
When you are involved with someone else, a brief sexual encounter is usually unexpected, and for that reason quite unpremeditated. In the case of a one-night-stand it might happen out of the blue, when circumstances are right. It is only afterwards that you have time to give it real thought.
The most harmless kind of fling is usually one that happens in this way. You might be on holiday, or away on business, and you meet someone you like who feels exactly the way you do.
Then it can appear to be fun, harmless and a real tonic – a glimpse into another kind of life.
It is less likely to affect you, your partner or your relationship if it happens like this – away from home, without you having to lie or change your routine. It is not to be recommended but can be understandable.
Sometimes, though, a brief sexual encounter will happen during a bad moment in your relationship – when you are feeling low in confidence, or perhaps going through a ‘midlife crisis’.
One danger that can occur in a brief encounter is when the two of you do not view it the same way. You may agree at the outset that you want a casual fling with no strings attached, but then something happens. One of you starts hoping for more and the affair becomes messy and ugly with tears and recriminations.
There can be other dangers too. Even after the briefest of pleasant flings, it is a rare person who does not wonder if it was wrong to do it. Some would say that it was not wrong if it made you feel happy and caused no pain or distress to anyone else. Others would say that it was indeed a breach of trust.
Living with sexual guilt
But things are rarely as simple as that. If you keep worrying about the rights and wrongs of what you have done, then it has been wrong for you – even if no one has been hurt.
The effect depends upon your own personality. If you can cope with a sexual encounter, take it for what it is and deal with the consequences, then it will probably do you no harm. It could boost your morale and may make you feel better about life in general. If, however, you are prone to bouts of guilt and dislike any kind of deceit, then a casual affair may do more harm than good.
Jack and Elaine were able to weather the revelation of Jack’s brief affair. ‘A “kind friend” thought I ought to know what had happened,’ said Elaine. ‘It had gone on over a period of about a month six months previously. Jack had met up with a girl he used to know who had always fancied him and things had developed. I felt dreadful and thought of leaving him, but we talked it all out. Jack had admitted that he had acted badly. ‘He told me that it meant less than nothing to him, and in fact had brought home to him how important our relationship was. When he saw how broken up I was over it he realized what a dangerous game it had been.’
Even so, it took Elaine quite a long time to get over it. ‘I told myself that it had been over long before I even knew, but it showed me that however hard you work to build up a strong relationship there is always the danger of something coming along to smash it up.’
Some people are always on the lookout for affairs, despite being in a stable relationship. Sexy flings are then never truly casual because of the time and energy involved in the pursuit, and the ‘other halves’ will almost certainly be hurt by the continuous string of infidelities.
Many people could forgive the truly spontaneous ‘fall’ if they found out about it, but few could accept sharing their partner with a succession of unknown lovers, past, present and future. Lynne realized her lover was never going to change. ‘He wanted our relationship to be cosy and permanent and he looked for kicks and excitement elsewhere. I don’t think any of the others meant anything to him – they never lasted, but I felt they cheapened our relationship and I became increasingly depressed about them. In the end I had to leave him because I was so insecure all the time.’
Kiss and tell
The more unexpected the event, the more likely you are to wonder whether to tell your partner about it or not. But you should think hard about how your partner is likely to take the news and examine carefully your motives before revealing all.
Some people feel they have to tell their partners simply because they cannot bear the burden of guilt, or else they feel that an essential ingredient of a successful relationship is the ability to tell all, good or bad.
That was Will’s theory. ‘It wasn’t very important, but it had happened, and I thought it was something that we should talk through. By telling Yvonne about it, I felt I was showing her how sincere I was about our relationship. I didn’t know then how much even a small infidelity can hurt your partner.’
Many people who say they want complete honesty – even about sexual encounters with other people – do so in the belief that it will never happen, and when it does, they just cannot take it.
Cathy chose a different response. ‘I don’t regret my little affair, it did me no end of good at the time when I was just coming up to a ‘big’ birthday, and was feeling old. But I would never tell George, because I just know he couldn’t take it. It has added something to our relationship by making me feel that I can attract other people if I really want to, but all that good would be undone if George were ever to find out.’
Sometimes people seem to want to let their partners know, but dare not put it in words. They leave evidence – such as the clichéd ‘lipstick on the collar’ or the hotel receipt in the pocket of a coat that is being taken to be cleaned. Nothing may ever be said, but each knows that the other knows.
‘I knew – and he knew I knew’, said Sally. ‘I was very hurt but couldn’t say anything about it. I think if we had talked and rowed that it would have made more of a dent in our relationship and might have pushed him to do it again. Probably, suffering in silence, I made him feel more guilty about it.’
Flings can feel exhilarating – and even make a person feel and look better. They can even bolster and improve relationships. But, as in all cases where other people are involved, caution and sensitivity are necessary. A brief sexual encounter can sometimes be enjoyable and even beneficial when no one is hurt, but even the briefest of flings can have long-term consequences.