Can first time sex ever be great? Why do so many, many people find it disappointing? We look at the reasons first time sex goes wrong – and suggest how to make it better.
In almost every relationship there comes the time that you first make love. It could be the very first day you meet, or after weeks or months of knowing each other. But whenever it happens, few people find it is something they enter into blithely without a care in the world. Most people, however experienced, are somewhat nervous, a little embarrassed, concerned that everything should go well – and unsure of what they should expect from each other.
The very first time you have sex
The very first time you make love in your life has a particular impact. This unique experience tells you a little about sex – but by no means all. Certainly, after thinking and wondering about it for so long, you at least find out how it works – often difficult to imagine, no matter how much ‘theory’ you know.
It is rarely absolutely wonderful. Girls particularly, for whom orgasm is by no means automatic, may worry that sex has been over-rated, and they will never enjoy it the way others seem to, and the way they have read about it.
Some people are quite well-organised about planning their first sexual experience. It may be with someone they have been going out with for a while, and with whom they have discussed contraception as a means of avoiding both pregnancy and the risk of sexually transmitted diseases.
The question of first-time sex is more important today than it used to be. Now that so few of us marry our ‘first love’ and stay married forever, most people have a series of first times – the sexual beginning to each new relationship that they have.
Before going to bed with someone new the decision has to be make – whether it is a lightning impulse or the result of long deliberation. You have to decide when the moment is right – should it be on the first date, or should you get to know each other well first?
Best to wait for sex?
There is no hard-and-fast rule. Sometimes the impact of meeting is so great, every instinct tells you it is so right that you go to bed together as soon as you can.
Impulse sex is fine when both of you feel the same way. It can be a mistake if one person coerces the other into it, either by getting them drunk, or by some kind of emotional blackmail. A man might say, ‘Are you frigid or something?’ A woman’s come-on might be, ‘Prefer men, do you?’
More often people wait to make love as they do not usually feel relaxed or secure enough with the other person to want to make love immediately – they prefer to get to know them better first. Then you can discuss it together, to be sure that you choose your moment and place with great care.
Contraception
Spontaneous sex, with its suggestion of uncontrollable passion and instant chemistry, is a very attractive idea – but it is not without its practical problems.
Contraception is something that cannot be left to chance. The onus is still on the woman: if there is a pregnancy she will be the person most intimately concerned. If she is not protected in any way, she should say so.
A man should be alert to inexperience and bashfulness in the woman. If he is unsure that she is protected he should ask – and use the condom – or delay sex until she has some form of protection.
Sexually transmitted infections
The other major problem with someone you hardly know is bringing up the subject of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) – including, though not only, HIV/AIDS. If you do not know someone you will not know the number of sexual partners they have had, how safe they have been in the past, or whether there is a high possibility that they might be the carrier of an STI. Different people have different ways of coping with this very difficult and personal question. Some people ask straight out while others prefer to break the ice by making a joke of it. In the early stages of a relationship, it is wise to use a condom, then both get tested.
Other sex and relationships problems
There are other practical problems which arise from spontaneous sex, not very important in themselves, but that can cause embarrassment when you are with someone you hardly know.
If you have spent the night together there can be the problem of not having a change of clothes for the morning. Some women feel insecure being seen without make-up, and men may find they have nowhere to shave.
So it is worthwhile considering whether you should spend the night together, or leave before morning.
One man who always goes home before morning, says: ‘I think it is important not only for the niggling practical problems, but also for the development of the relationship. Mornings-after with someone you hardly know are more tense and difficult than anything that might have gone before. You might be ready for passion, but you are not ready for the kind of friendly cohabitation waking up together means.’
Generally, more people go to bed with each other for the first time after they have known one another for a while, and the attraction has grown. This means that they can choose the right time and place so that making love has the chance of being successful.
You can also talk over problems such as contraception and AIDS well in advance, which is easier to do when you are not involved in tearing off each other’s clothes. Most people find that in ostensibly ‘general discussions’ about life and love, it is possible to bring up these related matters, so that when the time comes for sex there are actually few practical things to worry about.
The sexual awkwardness
But whether the sex is unpremeditated or planned, there is always one almost universal problem. It is a rare person who does not feel at least a little awkward engaged in sex with someone for the first time. For some people the embarrassment is so acute that the sex itself passes almost unnoticed.
Not only do you not know your way around each other’s body, but women are often worried about whether their body is ‘good enough’, and men about potency or the size of their penis.
Sometimes, for these and other reasons, the first time is a disaster. You have to be able to tell whether this means the relationship stands no chance, or whether it is because of the difficulty and awkwardness connected with it being the first time.
Anxieties about sex
Occasionally an anxious man might be impotent when it comes to it. This is particularly difficult to handle when you do not know each other especially well.
In the same way the woman can tense up, or, because she finds the situation embarrassing, be unable to act naturally – perhaps just accepting his attetions, and letting him ‘do all the work’.
This kind of thing is not a good reason for believing the relationship is doomed or that you are sexually unsuited. You must give it more of a chance.
In the same way, some people have unexpected reactions to sex which may disturb you. Whether you continue to mind can only be found out given time.
But if all goes fairly well, the question of seeing each other again arises. Sometimes you feel more, rather than less, hesitant after the relationship has been consummated, and each may wait for the other to make a move.
Solutions
So what’s to be done? You’ll probably have to accept that to have great sex each partner should know and understand each other’s individual body and sexual desires and needs. In the heat of the moment, this could all go out of the window and the passion and excitement might be such that you don’t much mind what you’re doing – having sex is enough.
Otherwise, take things slowly. Relax and indulge in foreplay. Ask what each other likes. Take time to explore each other’s body before having penetrative sex. You can admit your nerves to each other and smile as you do so. If you both take the pressure to perform away you’re far more likely to be sexually satisfied.
Men, if you’ve had an orgasm and she hasn’t, switch to oral sex or use other ways to pleasure her.
Following up
Saying what you feel can never be a bad policy – if what you feel is good. It would be a shame to risk the beginning of a potentially good relationship because you do not want to lose face.
The first step taken together, you can now take the next. It could be the start of a loving, long-lasting relationship.