There is no reliable proof that a threesome is certain to ruin your relationship. But actually having one is likely to make challenges to your sexuality, emotions and orientations surface and compel you to face them head-on. We all may believe that we know ourselves and our partners but our bodies, minds, and hearts will likely react in new and surprising ways given a steamy new situation.
Keep in mind that a satisfying sex life is not about ticking off bucket lists or living up to cultural standards of what is hot. Monogamy remains a viable and appealing option for many couples, so if threesomes don’t appeal to you, rest assured that you’re not only perfectly normal, you are in the vast majority.
On the other hand, it’s remarkable how almost all of us have fantasized about having one. According to a survey carried out by the Kinsey Institute of people aged 18 to 87, 95% of men and 87% of women said they had fantasized about sex with multiple partners. Then again, the numbers go the other way around when it comes to those who have actually engaged in a three-way session. In 2017, a US study found that 18% of men and 10% of women recorded having had a threesome in their lifetimes. Other studies have established that about one person in every five has engaged in it in some form, at some point in their lives.
Threesomes: sexual fantasy and reality
The gender disparity in the statistics would suggest that either most threesomes – among people who identify as heterosexual – involve two men and one woman or the same women are having threesomes with different men. It’s possible, even probable, that men are over-reporting and/or women are under-reporting their experience. However you look at it, though, the number of people who fantasize about threesomes is far higher than the number of people who actually engage in the act.
This disconnect between fantasy and lived reality is not surprising considering the possible repercussions can be quite intense. From jealous overreactions to the potential for an emotional connection with a new sexual partner, the negative fallouts certainly have the capacity to overshadow the immediate red-hot rewards. Among those who had acted on it, the research revealed that threesomes were also the fantasy that was least likely to turn out well. This may be because all three individuals involved might each have very different expectations.
What are the risks of having sex as a threesome?
But will a threesome ruin your relationship? There are some factors intrinsically connected to threesomes that have the potential to contribute to relationship strife and destruction. Dishonest communication, latent feelings of insecurity and partner pressure are just a few of the lurking existing relationship issues that can surface after a three-way sex session.
Often, we are not only dishonest with our partners, but also with ourselves. For instance, after a threesome, you may insist that you experienced no jealousy or insecurity whatsoever in order to be perceived as strong or assuage any feelings of guilt on behalf of your lover. But when you care deeply about someone, it is entirely normal to experience some feelings of jealousy and insecurity. These emotions help us to recognize our values, needs, and boundaries and you cannot rid yourself of natural emotions.
Another challenge couples face with a menage-a-trois involves latent feelings of insecurity. Since having a threesome can be sexually, physically and emotionally powerful, our thoughts and feelings often run wild while we process the experience. Most of us can’t help but compare our bodies, technique, and performance with that of a third party and many of us worry that given a taste of novelty, our lover will long for more.
And then there’s the question of sexual orientation. If it’s two males and a female, will there be gay inclinations apparent between the men – or, if two females, elements of lesbianism?
Some couples may regard the third party as merely an add-on to augment their pleasure but, for others, concerns include fear of emotional attachments and worries that a one-time three-way might escalate the desire for further non-monogamous exploration.
The most common problem that arises as a result of a threesome may be the recognition of partner pressure in the bedroom. Though many couples report having no regrets, those who do often attribute their decision to engage in a threesome to pressure from their partner. Not only does pressure detract from sexual pleasure, but coercion can damage self-esteem and destroy relationships.
While it is possible that an unintended emotional attachment could flourish as the result of a threesome, this seems to be a rare occurrence. And, on the contrary, a significant number of couples actually report feeling closer to one another after a threesome. This is especially so if it was a shared experience in which they genuinely put their partner’s needs ahead of their own.
If you want your threesome to be a mutually pleasurable experience, you both need to be on the same page. While it is normal for our levels of comfort and enthusiasm to differ from our lovers’, taking some time to discuss your concerns together will help to ensure that you are not pressuring your partner into a situation you may both regret.
If you are drawn to the possibility of trying a threesome, begin exploring this desire gradually and proceed with caution. Don’t just be honest with yourself and your partner, but go over the worst case scenarios and consider how you might handle an upsetting experience. There are always risks involved in bringing a third party into your bed, so weigh these considerations against the potentially positive outcomes.
Bear in mind that fantasy is almost always hotter kept as that than when practiced in actual reality. Trying to live out a hot three-way scenario can sometimes result in a let-down. In our threesome fantasies, three tongues, six legs, thirty fingers – let alone the genitalia – all work in perfect harmony to create a cauldron of erotic pleasure. In reality, arranging all those limbs, lips and lovers in a double bed can be a physical challenge even before emotions, egos and performance pressure come into play.
So if fantasizing about a threesome – and whispering sweet naughty nothings in your lover’s ear – keeps your sex life sizzling be happy with that and let matters stop right there.