The vast majority of people say they have a kinky side – as many as three quarters of men and only slightly less amongst women. Must we mention again the runaway success of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ and the effect it had on pushing boundaries in the bedroom? Sex shops saw sales of paddles, whips and handcuffs soar.
And there’s growing evidence that getting more out there in the bedroom has many benefits both for your relationship and your health. It can help you feel more extroverted, build your confidence and lower the levels of the stress hormone (cortisol). For your relationship couples that engaged in positive consensual S & M developed stronger feelings of closeness and intimacy.
Top Female And Male Fetishes
The people at IllicitEncounters surveyed over 2,000 people to discover what their top fetishes were and how they differed by gender. Turns out that women’s biggest turn on is al fresco sex – a romp in nature, under the moonlight or on the beach (no wonder the cocktail of that name is so popular with females). This is closely followed by a range of BDSM-type activities including blindfold sex, food play, role play, and sub-dom including spanking, whips and restraints.
The number one for men in the survey is DIY ‘porn’ – filming their own sex sessions – and look how well amateur made erotica is doing on sex sites (try makelovenotporn.tv). Sex outdoors comes in only at fourth, where threesomes is next, though not even in the list of what women want. Still, though not in the same order of preference role play, sub-dom, food play and blindfold sex do figure in the lists for both genders.
But what is a fetish? Who and what is normal? Why are some people kinkier than others and why do they have the particular kinks they have? A major allure of fetishism lies in its empowering of ordinary people to spice up their intimate lives; to take time out from their normal lives and become someone – or something – other.
Many become the authors, actors and directors in passionate erotic dramas of their own creation. They enter an exciting new world where gender roles may be blurred, where pleasure and pain are subverted, where submission and domination become expressions of love, devotion and sex, and where they achieve a state of arousal that can last for hours or even days.
It all begins with consent – especially when you are trying something new for the first time and vital when about to explore sub/dom roles. The major things to consider with a partner – as with many good relationships – is to focus on communication, trust, patience and understanding. Find common ground on what is acceptable sex play. And, once engaged, it is essential that you have safe words that indicate either that you are okay to continue or that your partner must stop immediately.
Kinky Behavior Was Thought Deviant
Only a few decades ago, kinky behavior was considered ‘deviant’ and in some cases downright illegal, but today the trappings of even the most obscure fetish subcultures have seeped into mainstream awareness. PVC, leather and rubber bondage gear are now familiar tropes of high fashion. We find fetish echoes in films as diverse as ‘Batman’, ‘Blue Velvet’, ‘Twilight’ and more openly in ‘9 ½ Weeks’, ‘The Secretary’ and, of course, ‘Fifty Shades..’. In pop music, Marilyn Manson, Madonna (who put out an S&M picture book simply called ‘Sex’), and Lady Gaga pepper their videos and performances with imagery from the kink scene. Practically every major city now features fetish events, clubs and festivals.
There is now a wide range of sexual subcultures. An increasing number of people are overcoming perceived alienation, stigma and denials to pursue their personal tastes – and are prepared to take up these pursuits. It is not easy to get stats on just how kinky much of ‘straight’ culture actually is and the extraordinary hidden lives people from bond managers to postmen embrace.
Many Still Keep Their Fantasies Secret
For all that the IllicitEncounters survey also found that, despite the majority saying they have a kinky side, nearly a third of the respondents said they keep their kinky fantasies a secret from their partners and only one in five actually engage in it. Perhaps if they knew how common these fantasies are, and how scientifically approved, the happier they’d be to explore their kinkier side with their partner. Indeed, it seems one major reason given for having an affair is to find someone beyond their regular partner who will indulge their kinky leanings.
Don’t let that happen. Talk to your partner about getting it on together. Those who engage in consensual kink turn out to have above average psychological health and stronger relationships.