It can be like swimming with sharks when you first hit the scene, the sprawl of clubs and bars in whichever big city you’re nearest to. When you enter the bar, all eyes turn. They could be doing rather more than simply undressing you with their eyes – while they summon to their aid their long-rehearsed, terrible chat-lines and flex their paws. What are they looking at? Chicken.
The gay ideal. Fresh totty – on which they can live out their never yet realised fantasies… Been there already? It’s not nice, the feeling of not being liked for who you are but because of what age you are. You can be left wondering if your mind and personality matter at all. And your task is to find those people – there really are plenty of them – to whom they do.
It can help if you don’t think of ‘the scene’ as a monolith, a single, uniform entity in which everyone’s exactly the same. It really isn’t like that. It isn’t even just a collection of different ‘types’ – the bears, the skins, the twinks, the leather men, the Gucci-clad fashion queens, etcetera, etcetera. True, there are a lot of guys out there who look, at first glance, like types – and there are those who make a considerable effort to turn themselves into types – but once you get used to the razzle-dazzle and see through the glam, then you find individuals. It’s as if on the scene, to be found just below the surface, there is a mesh of overlapping communities.
What to do? It is certainly best not to go out alone the first times – though it can be done and you can quickly find people to fall in with for the evening, who may become friends. Go out with someone you know, another gay friend or a girl. You can take in the scenery, meet people, and always have each other to fall back on, or to suggest second thoughts when one too many drinks might be clouding your judgement.
If there is no-one, get in touch with a local gay group or look on the internet for people who live in your area. The web is about more than dating with a view to sex: there are a lot of posts from people looking for friends – and let’s give a free plug here to www.faceparty.com. You can strike up an initial acquaintance there then meet up in town – being sure to take the usual precautions: meeting up in a public place, getting out without a second thought if they’re not who they said they were, letting someone else know where you’re going, and avoiding heading off at the end of the night with someone you hardly know yet to unfamiliar territory. Don’t think of it as going on a date. You’re meeting up with a potential friend so you have someone to be with.
The scene can be overwhelming. One way of testing the water is to go somewhere quieter than the most full-on bars. You might choose a cafe or restaurant, or a relatively unobtrusive corner of a friendly looking bar. That will allow you to feel close and see what’s happening without your feeling instantly over-exposed. You can people-watch, chat to friends, and take it all in so you feel comfortable and in control. What’s wrong with taking the plunge into the deep end? Well, it can be fun at the time, but when you wake up the next day and piece together all you may have done and said… You don’t want your initial gay scene experiences being clouded with avoidable regrets. Consider your long-term happiness when tempted to let it all go in the here and now.
And what happens when people flirt with you – as they inevitably will? The easiest route might be this. Feel flattered, enjoy it – you’re only young once – and keep your head. Let them see that you’re ready to meet and talk – that’s why you’re here – but that you’re nobody’s twink. If they get too close, and their hands start probing, back off and tell them you don’t like them doing that. They’re probably just drunk. It’s unlikely they’d normally be so bold. In other words, don’t worry about causing offence – which is not to say, it’s good to be rude.
Lastly, bear in mind that the scene is not the be-all-and-end-all of gay life. It’s there to be enjoyed. It’s a fun part of life. But it isn’t much more to the gay world than the local pub is to planet straight. Go there, have a good time, but don’t feel anxious, as if everything you’ve ever looked for must be here. It isn’t. Make friends, swap numbers, find romance – and find the balance between the obviously gay sides of life and all the rest of who you are.