‘I thought our sex life was really good, regular (five or so times a week), varied and adventurous. Then, one night last week, he may have thought I had stepped out, but I happened to walk into the bathroom and found him jerking off – and to porn that I really didn’t know he had. It really shocked me, like a kind of infidelity – and what’s with the getting off on porn sluts? It’s really affected my feelings for him just when we were close to thinking about marriage. I feel I am just not enough for him.’
We reply:
It sounds as if you do indeed have a great sex life. Five or so times a week is plenty for most of us, and more than most people enjoy – not that we’re saying it’s all about quantity. If your lovemaking is, on top of that, varied and adventurous, it’s no surprise you’ve been contemplating wedding bells. Your feelings about your partner’s use of pornography are understandable, but perhaps you’re being harsh on him. Clarify the issues for yourself: is it the porn you particularly object to, or is it also the fact he masturbates? If the latter, are you saying it really comes as a surprise that a person masturbates?
Your partner’s masturbation, with or without the porn, is not instead of you; it’s as well as you. The fantasies, and the sheer sense of physical pleasure and emotional wellbeing, he enjoys there are probably doing a lot to help him keep your sex life varied and adventurous. Maybe he does go places there which are different from how he thinks, and how he fantasises, when he’s with you. Perhaps you’d enjoy exploring those fantasies together. Talk them through and even enjoy role-playing some of them. You could enjoy learning more and more about what turns each of you on. As for those ‘porn sluts’, you might be surprised just how romantic and sentimental men can feel when they look at, to them, sexy pictures of women. They really don’t devalue you in his eyes. Next time you catch him masturbating, and we wonder how much that was intentional on your part (are we wrong?), take the opportunity to join in. Seize the moment! You might find the sex you have then a real thrill.