Looking back, many men who identify as gay know they’ve been so for as long as they remember. When they found the word gay and applied it to themselves, no matter how or at what age this happened, they found their whole lives suddenly clicked into place. They were different, sensitive, subtly removed from the majority. Now they knew why. Had they then asked themselves the question, ‘Am I gay?’ the only honest answer would have been, ‘Yes. I am gay.’
Those are the especially lucky ones. For some, the question isn’t so simple. At worst, self-acceptance may to them seem impossible. They may passionately not want to be gay. It may seem to them downright unfair. ‘Why me? Why can’t I be the same? Why should I be different?’ They don’t want to be marked for the rest of their lives – as they perceive those lives – as subject to homophobic intolerance, more or less on a par with those ‘gay’ trainers or that ‘gay’ top or that ‘gay’ hairstyle… And so on: the usual gamut of playground fashion-mistakes, which had nothing to do with sexuality.
Most gay men will have felt such things to an extent, and for some of those who reject their true sexual identity most forcefully during the teenage years, self-acceptance will come with the greater perspective age brings, together with a possible change of place. Some, tragically, will never achieve this – but, since you’re reading this, you’re not one of them. Just as long as you can honestly ask the question you’re free to find the forms of love and sex that are right for you, and not have to waste your life pretending to be something you’re not.
Am I gay?
Then there are others, perhaps the majority of males, who find themselves attracted to other boys or men, particularly during adolescence, who have a crush on a best friend or teacher, fantasise while they masturbate or dream about gay sex. Does that necessarily mean they are gay?
Of course not – though they should still feel free to ask the question. All it means is that homosexuality is part of their human nature. It may turn out to be the dominant part, or it may be that their heterosexual side will predominate. It may be they will pass through stages of being mainly gay or mainly straight. They may grow to be most comfortable describing themselves as bi-sexual, or simply as sexual.
How do you tell? If you’re asking yourself that question and you genuinely aren’t sure? ‘Am I gay?’
You may well want a label: gay or straight or bi. If so, and you find yourself consistently attracted to other males, while kissing the opposite sex does little or nothing for you – if the sight of another male’s body fills you with longing, with thoughts you can hardly articulate, even overwhelms you – then, at the very least, you can say: ‘For the moment, maybe forever, I’m gay.’
If you don’t feel you need a label, if you feel human sexuality is far too complex to fix with just one word, you can try other formulae: ‘I love men.’ ‘I wish only, or mostly, to have sex with men.’
Your choice of words needn’t matter. So long as you accept your feelings and desires for what they are and don’t hide yourself from yourself, then you will achieve happiness.