Image from the Lovers’ Guide video download: Sex Play
Boost your orgasms with these tried and tested creative lovemaking techniques – focussing on and enhancing your pleasure while your partner assists.
Although the vast majority of lovemaking and foreplay techniques concentrate – quite rightly – on unselfishness as a prerequisite for good sex, there are times in most couples’ lives when they want to concentrate on the quality of their own orgasms and not just those of their partner. This doesn’t mean selfless lovemaking has to go out of the window, but it does demand, occasionally, a slightly different approach to sex.
Why do orgasms vary?
We’ll experience many thousands of orgasms in a lifetime. Yet, later, if we looked back on our love lives, most of us would probably remember just a handful of episodes when our own orgasm was truly memorable. The rest might have been quite satisfactory, but some lovemaking episodes have a quality that sets them apart. Often, there appears to be no reason – and it was probably more than the sex that made a particular memory linger on.
For a man, there are biological reasons as well as emotional ones which explain these kinds of variation. Although the male sex organs are consistently efficient at creating seminal fluid – some younger men can have orgasms many times in a session – if a man has not had sex for some time, the release of semen can be extraordinarily powerful. It is not just sexual frustration but a physiological need – a desire for sexual release.
A woman’s sex drive varies much more subtly – both from woman to woman, as well as during each individual’s own menstrual cycle. Add to that a generally more emotional approach to sex, where orgasm is part of a more complete experience, and it becomes considerably more difficult to pin down a woman’s frustrations and sexual needs.
Nonetheless, there will be periods in her life, in the same way as there is for a man, when her own orgasm is so powerful, so memorable, that she just longs to be able to repeat it frequently.
The most advanced lovemaking techniques can leave both sexes cold if the mood is wrong, but in a loving relationship the ability of a man to sustain and control his erection or the woman’s ability to control and pace herself can make a great deal of difference to the quality of not just their own, but their partner’s orgasm as well.
Familiarity
The trouble is that many couples do get locked into a fairly predictable approach to their own sexuality and that of their partner. A rigid routine, in terms of time and place, followed by a predictable approach during every lovemaking episode can tire anyone’s desire for sex.
Many couples could – if they were so inclined – put a stopwatch on their love-making and find that intercourse took place at the same time of the week and in the same place, and that its duration varied by no more than a few seconds each time.
The solution
The solution is obvious once the couple have realised the nature of their problem. After all, predictability in sex, by its very nature, doesn’t happen overnight. Perhaps the order in which they approach sex might be reversed. They could finish off with oral sex or try another sex position – or a position they already use from a slightly different angle. The time and the place could be changed as well. Lovemaking on the settee in the living room or on a rug in front of the fire can make a huge difference – even with the same technique.
In truth, because orgasm is as much a mental as a physical experience, it is only really the mental approach that has to change.
Improving orgasms
If you find that the quality of your own orgasm has deteriorated, the same is probably true for your partner. If you’ve been together for some time, the first step is to sit down and talk about it. If a couple can say truthfully and without embarrassment, what they want – and what they would really like – the opportunities for experiment open up for both of them. Unfortunately, because it is often easier to go for the simplest option, many couples never get around to saying what they really want.
The advantage of being open is that it sets a scenario for sex that so easily goes missing from many relationships. Sex between two loving partners can now become slightly illicit and adventurous – as it was in the early days of the relationship. And because the mind is the most powerful sex organ of all, if you know in advance that something exciting is going to happen between you at some point during the day, this becomes the first step to re-creating some really powerful orgasms.
Something new
There are any number of techniques that a couple can use to improve the quality of their orgasms. But what follows are a series of suggestions that are slightly different in approach.
All the suggestions presume that you both spend time on a certain amount of foreplay. And if the ideas are already part of your sexual repertoire, this does not matter. You can always try them again or invent some slight variation to them that increases their novelty value.
For her – using a vibrator
A vibrator is one of the most popular ways in which a woman can achieve a novel sort of orgasm – either by using it on herself or with her partner working it for her. The main purpose is to use it on the clitoris and, by increasing the speed, to bring the woman to orgasm as powerfully as possible. But a vibrator can lend itself to more creative use. You merely have to instruct your partner how you want it done.
You can lie down on the bed facing upwards or, alternatively, face downwards on the bed and place a couple of pillows under your stomach, as in a conventional rear-entry position.
Make sure that you are relaxed and tell your partner exactly what you want him to do. Be explicit so that there is no room for doubt. He is to concentrate solely on giving you the best orgasm possible – his own can always come later.
These suggestions assume that you have chosen to lie face down. Start off by parting your legs and raise your buttocks as high as possible. Get your partner to start the vibrator at its lowest setting and begin using it to delicately massage your perineum. As you become more aroused, tell him to move on to your vaginal lips but without touching your clitoris. There is no need to rush.
Then, when you feel you’re ready, get him to move on to your clitoris, increasing the speed setting a little. Do not let him move the vibrator around too much, just let it work almost on its own. Now, position yourself so that he can use his mouth and tongue on your clitoris instead and tell him to insert the vibrator into your vagina. Have him increase the speed setting and aim to use it as he would his penis, increasing the pressure and tempo all the time.
Encourage him to be as creative as he can and get him to keep the movements of his lips and tongue at the same tempo as the vibrator. Alternatively, he can keep the vibrator working on your clitoris with a slightly increased speed setting, insert a couple of fingers into your vagina and mimic the movements of his penis in this way.
He should be guided by your needs. If you want him to abandon this at any stage and make love to you in this position, then tell him.
For her – take control sexually
Sometimes, it is a good idea in a relationship for the woman to forget about her man’s sexual needs now and again, and concentrate exclusively on her own. She can, of course, masturbate herself but she can also ‘use’ him to bring herself to orgasm.
For the woman who is worried about adopting such an apparently ‘selfish’ approach to lovemaking, it should help to realize that research has shown that most men do not mind at all being ‘used’ in this way – in fact, many relish it.
Remember that the woman can always bring the man to orgasm later in some other way if this is necessary.
A good way of abandoning yourself is to use one of the woman-on-top sex positions. If you want his penis to hit your G-spot as he thrusts, then facing him is best, so that you are able to caress your clitoris yourself. By doing this, you’ll control the point at which you have your orgasm and, if you have G-spot-induced ones as well, you can ensure that your partner’s penis stimulates this in the way that you move your body.
The other advantage of this position is that it lends itself to a feeling of abandonment – particularly important if you want to control the pace of lovemaking.
Lay your partner back on the bed – or floor if you prefer. When he is erect, take his penis and insert it into your vagina. Start moving slowly at first and stroke your clitoris at the same time. Caress your breasts as well if you prefer.
Take whatever approach you like – some women, for example, find this a particularly good position to use a vibrator on themselves as they ‘use’ their partner’s penis in this way. Shift your buttocks until your partner’s penis is hitting your G-spot and try to direct your pelvis so that it hits it each time he thrusts. Increase the pace at which you are stimulating your clitoris and lose yourself as your orgasm approaches.
For him – caress his G-spot
There are any number of ways that you can encourage your partner to give you better orgasms. Many of them will just involve a slightly different approach.
It may be that you like her to dress in a particular way. Perhaps you want to be more passive in your lovemaking and her to take the lead. Or there may be a favourite position you’d like to use – perhaps somewhere different, such as another room.
But for many men, an orgasm where their G-spot is stimulated can be great. For a unique experience, it’s best done either when your partner is fellating you or during conventional intercourse.
For him – with oral sex
Unless this is part of your usual love-making routine, you are going to need to tell your partner what you would like her to do. If it all seems selfish, don’t worry. Tell her you will concentrate entirely on her pleasure another time.
She will need to have some sexual lubricant or oil handy if she is to put a finger into your anus. Lie down so that you are both comfortable and get her to start stroking your perineum very lightly. The key is timing – if it is done properly, then it may be one of the most explosive orgasms you have ever had.
As she strokes your perineum, get her to start licking the tip of your penis as she would if she were fellating you. Then, as she uses her mouth on your testicles and runs her tongue up and down the shaft of your penis, she should take your penis into her mouth and start gently to suck on it.
As the pace increases and you become more aroused, she can put her finger into your anus and find your prostate gland. You will probably need to adjust your position – probably bringing up your knees so she can do this. When she finds it, she should then start to massage it lightly but insistently. As she brings you to orgasm with her mouth, you should find the dual sensations quite exquisite.