Making love has its mood and its pace. Whatever the season or time of day, understand your own rhythms and those of your partner for a more memorable lovemaking experience.
Throughout our lives, a combination of physical and psychological forces causes desire to ebb and flow within us in patterns as rhythmic as the tides. And in the act of lovemaking itself, true satisfaction is rarely achieved unless the lovers can tune into those subtly stimulating rhythms that make the nerves tingle and bring each other’s body to a peak of excitement.
Locked into the cells of the body is a series of biological clocks that, under normal circumstances at least, governs the rhythmic pattern of people’s daily lives. One set governs when to sleep and when to wake, when to be active and when to take things easy.
Another ‘clock’ – the monthly bio-rhythmic cycle, calculated from the day you were born – is thought to determine, as regularly as clockwork, on which days you are most alert, most libidinous or most physically under par.
More powerful than either, as far as a woman is concerned, is the rhythmic inevitability of the menstrual cycle, with all this entails in terms of physical well-being as well as sexual desire.
The catch is that these clocks hardly ever work in synch for both partners. When one partner is feeling bright, active and in the mood for love, the all-too-frequent irony is that the other is at their low ebb, with nothing more than a good night’s sleep in mind.
Fortunately, the situation is far from hopeless. The first step is to try and become more receptive to the way those rhythms affect the two of you, bearing in mind that often they are beyond your direct control. Armed with an understanding of the differences, you can then set about achieving a balance.
At the same time, it is important to be aware of the external pressures and psychological factors – worry about work or children, boredom or feelings of inadequacy – which themselves create more unpredictable patterns of behaviour throughout life.
Establishing a sexual rhythm
At the start of a relationship, the sheer ecstasy of being in love and having the chance to express it physically has a habit of knocking bodily rhythms for six. A couple will make love passionately and frequently, their joy in exploring each other’s body more than compensating for more commonplace feelings of tiredness, anxiety or depression. But then, as they become used to each other and the shock of the new is replaced by the comfortably familiar, more worldly pressures cause them to drift back into the patterns of their daily lives. This is the time to establish a rhythm for lovemaking – to find out when your libidos peak and trough.
Like most sexual matters, everything hinges on communication. Talk to your lover to find out the times of day, week or month when they enjoy sex the most. You will probably discover quite pronounced differences. Some people feel their sexiest in the morning – particularly men, who frequently wake with an erection. Many women often peak later in the afternoon, by which time they feel they have got to grips with the day and can afford to relax more.
Give and take sexually
But problems like these are not insurmountable – all that is required is a little give and take. For example, if you know your husband or lover’s passions rise in the middle of the night, make the effort once in a while to accommodate him by arranging your day accordingly and ensuring that you are not too tired to wake up and respond to his caresses. Likewise, if your wife or girlfriend is fond of love in the afternoon, surprise her occasionally by coming home with flowers and champagne.
Sexual rhythms
Getting in step with the rhythm of your partner’s feelings should begin well before you actually start making love.
Once you have established that you are both in the mood, try to determine whether your lover feels active or passive and let this dictate your approach to lovemaking.
As you begin to make love, try to gauge the level and nature of your partner’s excitement. If he or she is highly aroused and eager for intercourse to take place, while you feel more inclined to take things slowly, aim to slow the pace by avoiding genital contact too early. Instead, indulge in sensuous, lingering kisses and gentle body massage, followed perhaps by a bout of oral sex in which you play a passive role and your partner takes the lead.
The idea at this stage is to let your partner give vent to his or her own strong feelings while you build up a similar level of excitement. On no account push your lover away or be so direct as to say ‘hold on’. Actions like these can be real passion killers.
Equally, it is important to see things from the opposite angle. No matter how passionate you may feel yourself, if your partner is merely tempted by the thought of sex you must make every effort to bring him or her to a fuller state of arousal before intercourse takes place.
Do not ‘hold off’ too obviously. Channel your passion into doing the kind of things you know your lover likes – kiss their ears, caress them intimately while still fully clothed, or invite them to strip off on the pretext of a massage to ease the cares of the day. Then, as they start to respond, you can allow yourself to become more open.
Even at the caressing stage, rhythm counts for everything. Brusque, jerky movements can be a real turn-off, but nothing is more exciting than the gentle rhythmic pressing of skin against skin. As you caress, be aware of the feedback transmitted from your lover’s body
Rhythmic caress
Begin slowly, searching and exploring, until you feel the germ of a rhythmic response ripple through your partner. Then quicken slightly in time with your partner, all the while noting how and where your caresses strike the most responsive chords.
When it comes to genital caresses, the most important thing is to learn the rhythms that give your partner most pleasure. These vary a great deal from person to person. Some men, for example, prefer a firm hand and a rapid stroke on the penis, quickening almost frantically towards climax. Others like things to be taken lightly and slowly, only speeding up perceptibly at the moment just before ejaculation.
The same is true of women. Some are aroused by clitoral stimulation only after prolonged and heavy pressure, combined with quite vigorous finger-working, has been applied to the vagina. For others, anything more than a feather-light touch on the clitoris is likely to prove painful rather than pleasurable.
Rhythm and intercourse
By this stage you should both be thoroughly excited and ready for a session of intercourse in which both bodies move in perfect harmony and experience intense pleasure.
As a woman, within seconds of his entering you, you should be able to tell by the speed and intensity of his thrusts whether or not ejaculation is soon approaching. If it is, react quickly to cool things off – either change to a position that gives him less stimulation, or encourage him to give you further manual stimulation while studiously avoiding doing the same to him. If you find yourself resorting to the ‘finger and thumb’ technique to stop him coming, you have let things go too far.
As a man, make every effort to keep in step with your lover by sensing the movements which are transmitted back through your body. Do not pump hard and deep if these are slow and gentle. Ease off and use other forms of stimulation to increase her arousal to the point where the movements become stronger.
Finally, the two of you should remember that what constitutes a thrilling rhythm one day can easily be a turn-off the next. Sexual rhythms of this kind are not like computer programs. The overriding consideration is always to sense what your partner is feeling at the same time — and please them.