Image from the Lovers’ Guide video download Sexual Positions
Sex should be very pleasurable for both parties, right? But how do you really tell if your partner is actually enjoying sex – and getting off on the moves you’re making? Remember When Harry Met Sally – and the Meg Ryan (fake) orgasm? Here’s how to check if you are truly connected sexually – or if there might be work to be done getting better.
You and your partner sexually
For starters, if in general your partner is flirting with you, touching you and kissing you when you’re not having sex, this is a good sign s/he’s happy with your sex life. And being touchy-feely with you outside of the bedroom is also a sign that s/he’s happy with your relationship as a whole. Some people can be very private, though, in terms of expressing sexual desires and emotions, so don’t read into it too much if they’re not that big on Public Displays of Affection (PDAs).
How to get better at sex
During sex itself, if your partner is pulling you in, or pushing towards you, that’s a clue s/he’s having fun. Unless you are just switching sexual positions, the body language is saying, ‘Give me more – I’m enjoying it.’
If you know your partner well, you’ll probably recognize the facial expressions s/he pulls when enjoying sex. Of course, if you don’t know the person so well, it’s not going to be so obvious. Eye-contact during sex can be taken as a good sign that someone trusts you, and is enjoying the experience. On the other hand, there are sex positions where there is no eye contact – and if your partner lacks confidence s/he may struggle to look you in the eye – so this doesn’t necessarily mean s/he isn’t enjoying it.
Female orgasm – sounds of trust and satisfaction
Another good sign is when your partner makes pleasurable noises. Though everyone may make different noises when having sex, and being very vocal doesn’t necessarily indicate enjoyment, you can usually tell whether the noises are pleasurable or not.
Then there’s the more direct matter of having an orgasm. Having a true orgasm should be a sign of satisfaction. They say women are better at faking an orgasm than men are – but try to know if your partner really is satisfied. Again, if a man ejaculates, you might think this suggests he’s satisfied – but men can have what is merely a mechanical response to stimulation. Then again, orgasm isn’t necessarily the goal, and sex can be very enjoyable even if one or both doesn’t orgasm at all.
During sex, you can also check to see if your partner is enjoying it. Give feedback when you’re really enjoying it. For example, ‘That feels amazing, I love it when you do that.’
Don’t lie about sex or (male or female) orgasm
Then again, if something doesn’t feel right in our gut, we may struggle to get our words out. Yet we need to pay attention to these non-verbal clues in ourselves and others. If something doesn’t feel right, pay attention to it. Consent is vital. Even if somebody says yes, if s/he doesn’t seem sure, don’t do it. Be honest with yourself as well as with your partner. This is key to how to have better sex.
While there are clues – some obvious, some subtle – that someone’s enjoying sex, the only way to know for sure is to talk to each other openly and honestly. Though many people may find this awkward and difficult, if you are up for having sex with someone, you should be up for making the effort to talk about it.
Ask if there’s anything different your sexual partner would like to try. Tell your partner if there’s anything you aren’t so keen on. If you’re still finding sex a tricky subject to talk about, you may want to consider sex therapy, particularly if you aren’t feeling satisfied with your sex-life. Sex therapists are very comfortable talking about sex with you and can help to make things feel less awkward.
Finally, once your active sex session is finished, if you’re both happy to lie there afterwards and have a chat and a cuddle, then that’s a good indication that you’re both happily satisfied.