‘I have serious sex problems. I am 29 yrs old, recovering from an eating disorder. I am in a relationship and I love my husband VERY much. But like many women I have had bad experience with men in the past. I have been forced to do things that at the time I didn’t want to do and have been raped. I have a low self esteem and I have been married and cheated on before.
‘I am scared that I disappoint my husband even though I know that some things I do he loves. But I am afraid of trying new things (basically because I feel like I will disappoint him) and I have MAJOR issues with any porn. He likes to watch them on TV and on the computer. They make me feel like I am not good enough or somehow I’m not what he really wants. When I am with him I am only thinking of him, but I don’t know if I am who he is thinking about or it is someone he has seen.
‘Basically I don’t know what to do and I am afraid to lose him. I know I am hurting him too.’
The Lovers’ Guide responds:
It does sound as if you could benefit greatly through close work with a sex therapist over a period of time. You’ll find a listing of therapists in your area here: www.aasect.org.
The damaging sexual experiences of the past that you describe may take a good while to work through. You’ve clearly taken a fair few knocks and do need help to start creating a happy future. Confidence can come in time, but it (might be) would be very difficult to work through the lingering impact of your experiences alone.
You’re right to suggest that when we are troubled, our frame of mind can rub off on our loved ones. It may well be the case that your partner is hurting with you and for you, but he may also be very happy to lend his support while you get better. After all, he chose you as his partner; he married you. It may well be that he can be there for you in some of the therapy sessions you undertake.
People do fantasise about people other than their partners – and are often, even generally, quite able to separate erotica and porn from their real sex lives. It can be fun to share and explore such fantasies – but to do this does require confidence and independence. Certainly, worrying about whether another person is thinking only of you is not a route to happiness.
Leading on from this, and to help you experiment sexually, you might suggest to your partner that, rather than he watch the porn which you dislike so, you watch a Lovers’ Guide video together. This could be a great way of opening up with each other sexually – and of sharing and supporting each other through sexual explorations. When you do explore, of course, there is no right and wrong way of doing things; there are things you discover you both enjoy and things you don’t. You won’t know till you try.
We hope this does something to help you on your way, but please do take the suggestion of a course of therapy seriously.