We’d like here to talk through some of the concerns and questions regarding oral sex which we have received from you. To judge by your messages, it seems that all over the world there are some key themes here. So if you’re worrying, don’t – you’re in very good company! These are the six most frequent you’ve sent in. Thank you for all your messages. Please keep them coming.
I simply don’t know what to do
If you’ve really no idea where to start or how to go from there, admit this to yourself without fear or embarrassment and you’ll almost have found your solution. No-one is born knowing everything there is to know about sex – it would be a bit like being born speaking a language fluently or knowing how to drive a car. Your next step is to use the Lovers’ Guide, both the site and the DVD range, take mental notes and decide on the three or four things you can remember to do in the heat of the moment next time you’re offering oral sex.
For him, for example, you might: keep your lips and tongue really wet; move your tongue gently around and across the clitoris in varying patterns; give it loads of time, with no sense of hurry. You could try big slurps – like licking an ice cream, or work around the clitoris, strumming it backwards and forwards or side to side. Softly sucking on the clitoris can be sensational for her, too. Try adding in some G-Spot stimulation by gently penetrating your partner’s vagina about two thirds up the front wall with a beckoning finger. Make sure you’re comfortable – you can either work from below, which can give breathing problems or try from the side which gives great access and no problem of having to ‘come up for air’.
For her, you might: smile and show your enjoyment; use plenty of saliva; use your hands; lick up and down the shaft of his penis from time to time; work on the very sensitive frenulum – the bridge of skin at the back of the head – and around the coronal ridge around the head. Again, hand work helps – you can use one hand to keep a firm grip on his shaft and prevent him thrusting to deeply into your mouth. You can also stimulate between the base of his penis and his anus – called the perineum. Try those few suggestions, get confident with them and check your partner’s responses to see how you’re doing – then next time you can move on and try something more.
My partner doesn’t experience orgasm
If he’s the one not experiencing orgasm through oral sex alone, you can basically accept that that’s the way it is: not all men do and, for many, oral sex is simply one delightful element of sex play. Keep going for as long as you wish – and use your hands more vigorously to heighten the chances of orgasm. You can switch fully to masturbating him or have intercourse at any time you feel that’s right for both of you.
If she isn’t experiencing orgasm through oral sex, then further explorations are called for. Does she experience orgasm through intercourse or when she masturbates? Ask how she likes to be touched. Ask her to show you with her tongue on the palm of your hand. Is she really relaxed and comfortable when receiving oral sex? Are you taking your time or expecting there to be a ‘result’ in the first few minutes? While you explore, lose any sense that there might be a ‘problem’ which you are ‘addressing’ – just keep doing what feels pleasurable. One technique for keeping going is to ‘write’ the alphabet on her clitoris, slowly and in capital letters.
Where’s mine?
If your partner is reluctant to give you oral sex, you might well start by asking for more and saying how much you enjoy it. Perhaps your partner simply wasn’t fully aware of this – or there might be other issues which you can discuss. And fair’s fair, while each other’s sexual treats shouldn’t leave you feeling like you’re in accountancy mode and balancing the books, still you can expect to get your treats occasionally, given that you’re doing your bit.
It’s the taste
While the usual response to this is ‘Oh please, get over it’, it is true that vaginas and penises both can become what you might call excessively flavoursome – after all, we usually keep them covered for most of the day while in a state of nature they’d have more room to breathe. Solution: have a shower. If that doesn’t solve it – or if it’s the taste of his semen or her juices that’s bothering you – then there might be dietary or, just possibly though very unlikely, medical issues. Garlic and asparagus aside, a high protein diet can produce an unpleasant taste, while eating plenty of fruit will tend to sweeten juices. Try suggesting to your partner that you’ve heard that fruit can have a really great effect on the way you both taste – and reinforce the message with vocally pleasurable slurps if this does work for you. (You’ll notice that here we’re avoiding saying: ‘You taste bad – here, eat this.’) If despite the change in diet, and proper hygiene either of you really doesn’t like the taste/smells of the other – which should be a big turn on – then you may question whether you should really be together.
The touch is wrong
If your partner isn’t licking, sucking, nibbling and touching you in the ways you most like, don’t say he or she is doing it wrong; make it positive and ask for what you would really like – and when they do that, show your appreciation. Do this and you’ll probably find your partner’s touch improves no end pretty much immediately. Suffer in silence and you’ll most likely get nowhere.
What’s the hurry?
If your partner’s attitude to oral sex seems to be that it’s the boring foreplay bit you have to do before real sex, then really make a point of asking if you can spend a whole, long session not having intercourse but enjoying a whole range of sex play delights – Your best idea might well be to have the Lovers’ Guide Sex Play feature showing and play along.
We hope these suggestions work for you.