A Lovers’ Guide visitor writes: “I’ve been with my boyfriend for nine months and recently we have started having sex. Before, I was a virgin. We have only had sex three times and each time was sore and uncomfortable. For a number of months, we had been intimate with one another and I found this extremely pleasurable and usually reached orgasm within 15-20 minutes, but since we have had sex, I have not found being intimate as enjoyable, I don’t reach the same level of arousal and I find it hard to reach orgasm. What’s wrong with me?”
The Lovers’ Guide replies:
It isn’t so unusual that your capacity to reach orgasm has waned since you started having full, penetrative sex with your partner, even given that you found other, non-penetrative ways of having sex pleasurable before attempting full intercourse.
What seems likely is that worries about having sex have led to uncomfortable first experiences and, following on from this, a certain switching off from sex generally.
Full, penetrative sex is a different experience from oral sex or masturbation. While, for example, oral sex is very much focused on your pleasure, being penetrated by a man can be a lot more complex, both physically and emotionally. The thrusting in and out and inside of your vagina may seem to be more about his needs and sexual instincts than it is about your stimulation. It can even feel as if an act of violence is being committed upon you if you are not comfortable receiving his penis – and his sexual drives – at such a pace.
It is important for you to learn how to enjoy your own sensations in full love-making – though this will be in different ways to the ways you might love his manual and oral attentions.
In order for this to happen, you’ll need to be fully aroused – even wanting sex yourself– before having full intercourse. There should be lots of foreplay which should help your natural lubricating juices flow – you can also try lubricants to help. A lot of sex is actually about relaxing – indeed a complete failure to relax can cause the vaginal muscles to tighten up. (In extreme cases, this is called vaginismus, which can make penetration impossible. If you feel this is happening to you should consult your doctor). Beyond this, try using fantasy – try developing the desire to let yourself go to some fairly wild places in your imagination and sexual self.
If he desires sex, you’ll have to want him inside if you are going to enjoy it.
Why should you want it? Because it can be a great form of release to you, taking you far beyond the constraints of day to day life – a way of letting go and being the closest you can be to another human being. And, of course, you may at some point want children…
Try balancing the gentler sides of sex, often thought of as foreplay, with full sex. That way, you should be more aroused and full intercourse more welcome.
One thing’s for sure: don’t press on with ways of having sex that aren’t working for you. You could end up putting yourself off sex totally.It can be a good idea to explore different sex positions. Try having sex with you on top, so that you can control the depth and pace of penetration. Or try the Coital Alignment Technique, in which it’s more of a rocking-together than a thrust and often more orgasmic for both of you. Or try spoons, which tends to limit the pace of his thrusting into you.
Go gradually. Try just having his penis inside you and getting used to that feeling, then, over several sessions, build up to becoming more vigorous. Explain to your partner that you’re working on pleasing him, as well as yourself, and are aware that there are issues which you both have to work to overcome. Do make it clear that you have your own needs; that you both have to attend to your pleasure as well as his. A good partner will be more than willing to work with you on getting sex right for both of you.
Finally, try experimenting with a dildo or vibrator. You can work out the sorts of penetration you like best and then guide your partner according to what you’ve discovered you like about being penetrated.
Good luck.