In the United States, dating for ethnic minorities is rife with stereotypes and caricatures. Messages about masculinity and virility are often deeply embedded in the media.
Consider the following: the Italian stallion, the Latin lover, or the Black stud. All of these carry a hypersexual or overly sexualized perception of men from various cultures. But the Asian male is relegated to the sphere of asexuality. Part of this is due to decades of biased portrayals of Asian men as docile, meek, or nerdy buffoons in Hollywood entertainment. This was a key theme I saw for Asian men in films growing up in the 1980s.
For example, in the 1984 movie Revenge of the Nerds, the character of Takashi is a Japanese nerd with a thick accent. He isn’t even aware of what a nerd is, let alone that he was viewed as such in the movie. What’s just as hurtful is that the actor who played Takashi is a Japanese-American born in the United States but was cast to play the role of an immigrant who couldn’t speak English well, let alone understand the cultural and sexual nuances of dating women in the U.S.
For women, especially non-Asian women, the bias and negativity of Asian men as sexually inept or romantically undesirable is palpable, as a 2014 Ok Cupid study revealed Asian men were the least desirable in online dating preferences. Since then, other studies have revealed even more startling statistics. In a December 2018 journal article, more than 90 percent of non-Asian women said they would not date an Asian man. And 40 percent of Asian women said they would not date an Asian man.
As a psychotherapist who specializes in cultural issues, I can attest to the complaints among Asian men who feel they are being ostracized simply because of their ethnic background. Women, even Asian-American women, have been indoctrinated into viewing Asian men as lacking romance and sexually inert and thus unattractive. And this isn’t just relegated to America—it’s an international issue.
While many people can and do find love online, Asian-American men face significant challenges that men of other ethnic backgrounds do not. It’s not to say it’s impossible, but the cultural hurdle is much higher—as are the wounds of rejection.