Why are some women better at pretending they are enjoying sex than actually enjoying it? Why do they have to fake orgasm – and what can be done? Help is at hand with the Lovers’ Guide.
Men nearly always experience an orgasm during sex. For most of them, orgasm is the be all and end all of sexual intercourse, the ultimate aim, incontrovertible proof that everything has gone well and that their performance has been as good as ever. Often, they make the mistake of assuming that their partner’s experience and enjoyment of the sex they have just had was – broadly speaking anyway – similar to theirs; that she is basking in the same post-coital glow that he is.
Orgasm does not always happen for women, though, and many experience difficulty in reaching orgasm. Some women are able to reach orgasm occasionally with a partner, some never achieve orgasm at all when they are having sex, only managing to climax when they are masturbating, and a few women – a small minority – have never experienced orgasm at all.
An incidental pleasure?
This may or may not be a problem. Orgasm is, for many women, incidental to the other pleasures that sex brings – the closeness and intimacy that come not only from sexual intercourse but also from kissing, cuddling, stroking, fondling and hugging another person. Orgasm, for a woman, is not necessarily the be all and end all of sex. It is a welcome bonus if it happens, but if it doesn’t it’s not the end of the world.
Unfortunately, there are many men who don’t see it that way. Just as they see their own orgasm as the most important aspect of sex, so they imagine that their partner must feel the same way about hers. Many men say that the most important part of sex is pleasuring their partner, and see their partner’s orgasm as indicating how successful, or not, sex has been between them. Her failure to orgasm is invariably viewed as a failure on his part. Ultimately, this is one of the major reasons why so many women end up faking orgasm.
A common problem
A lot of people would be surprised to learn how many women, unable to achieve an orgasm during sexual intercourse, deal with it – they fake it. According to a recent survey, as many as two out of five women fake orgasm at least sometimes, if not always. There are probably very few women who can truthfully say that they have never – not once – faked an orgasm. Think about it. Can you say that? Honestly?
Do men realize?
According to a recent survey, only seven per cent of men realize that their partner fakes orgasm. Seventeen per cent confess that they don’t know and 30 per cent say they are not sure but that they suspect she probably does at least some of the time.
The fact that so many women feel obliged to fake orgasm is bad enough. But the fact that so few men realise they are doing it makes matters even worse. It is a sorry state of affairs indeed when there is so little understanding between two people about what is probably the most intimate thing they do together on a regular basis. She is pretending that everything is all right and he is blissfully unaware of what is happening. It doesn’t say much for communication between them!
Why fake it?
There are several reasons why a woman might choose to remain silent about her lack of orgasm. The most common reason is that she wants to protect her man from feeling in any way inadequate. All too many men see a woman’s failure to achieve orgasm as a direct criticism of them and their sexual performance. Only too aware of this and of a man’s often surprisingly fragile ego, a woman may fake orgasm in order that her partner can save face and feel at ease with himself.
Another common reason for a woman faking orgasm is to avoid being seen by her partner as frigid, or as a lousy lover. Men tend to use the word ‘frigid’ as a way of putting a woman down for not being as keen on sex as he is. It is actually a meaningless word, only ever used as a destructive insult that is intended to wound, and applied in spite to any woman who fails to live up to her partner’s sexual expectations. Some women resort to faking orgasm because they see it as an expedient – an easy way of saving both time and trouble. A woman may feel that, in situations where she is having difficulty reaching orgasm, she and her partner will end up having sex for hours, with him desperately trying to make her climax. Almost inevitably this will result in frustration, disappointment and even anger on the part of both unhappy partners.
It is not uncommon for a woman who has trouble reaching orgasm to worry that there is something intrinsically wrong with her body or her sexuality. If, however, she knew how common a problem it is for women to have difficulty reaching orgasm, she wouldn’t worry.
Ten reasons not to fake it
- Faking orgasm ultimately fools you more than anyone else.
- It prevents you from finding more mutually satisfying ways of making love with your partner.
- It gives your partner inaccurate messages and may actually encourage him to continue using the wrong methods of stimulation in his efforts to bring you to orgasm.
- It merely compounds the problem you are having and prevents you from finding a solution to it.
- It may keep him happy in the short term but, sooner or later, you will end up feeling dissatisfied.
- It’s a cowardly way out of facing and confronting a problem.
- It focuses your attention on his reactions, not on yours – which is what you need to concentrate on.
- It establishes a damaging pattern of behaviour.
- It focuses the attention of both you and your partner on your performance rather than your enjoyment of sex.
- It prevents you from relaxing and enjoying sex fully.
Finding a solution
The only way to find a solution to this problem is for both partners to recognize first of all that there is a problem. Secondly, they must each take responsibility for their own sexual fulfilment. They should pluck up the courage to discuss the matter and find answers to the various questions that are hanging over their relationship.
Do they both regard the fact that she finds it difficult to reach orgasm as a problem? Why does she find it difficult? Who does it really bother – him or her?
Ultimately, the only way to start tackling the problem is to talk about it. It may be embarrassing at first, but actually enjoying sex has got to be better than pretending.